I’ve been lurking around various bass guitar discussion forums for quite a few years, and one thing is very clear: There’s a whole lotta bass snobbery going on out there.

I don’t know if this kind of snobbishness exists in other circles. But in the bass world, it’s everywhere.

Use a pick? You suck. Play a Squire bass? You suck. Don’t care for Victor Wooten? You double suck!

I wish the snobs would just freakin’ relax and learn to appreciate ALL things bass. But to be fair, some bass players might be unaware that they have snobbish tendencies. So to help, I’ve put together the following top ten list.

If you recognize yourself in any of the following items, well, you just might be a bass snob.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A BASS SNOB

1. You wear your bass chest-high and spend a lot of time looking at your fretboard instead of the audience.
2. You carry a Sharpie around for the sole purpose of blacking out the word ‘plectrum’ from every dictionary you come across.
3. You worship Jaco Pastorius. No, really . . . you literally WORSHIP Jaco. You have a creepy shrine set up in your bedroom with candles, pictures and a roach clip he allegedly left behind in a dressing room after a Joni Mitchell concert in 1977.
4. You still can’t believe Flea sold out and started playing all those ridiculously melodic and tasteful bass lines.
5. You’re annoyed with the oak tree in your front yard, because it “just kinda sticks to the root.”
6. You haven’t had a paid gig in seven years, but you’re the KING of open-mic jam nights.
7. You hate your drummer because his hi-hat, kick and snare drum interfere with your free-form improvisational jazz techniques.
8. A Fender Precision plugged directly into an Ampeg SVT is an affront to your delicate sensibilities.
9. You believe your custom-built six-string fretless boutique bass is perfectly suitable for that classic rock cover gig you just landed.
10. You HATE this post!

Hey you! Bass player! Yeah, you in the cover band. Do you realize you’re playing everything wrong? Do you even care? You’re getting paid, right? Would playing the songs correctly be too much to ask?

It’s not that hard, really. Just spend some time listening to the bass part. Then copy it on your bass. Now do that 5 or 6 times in a row until you’ve memorized the song.

Never bothered to properly develop your ear? Then find the tabs. It won’t take long to get them. They’re all over the internet. Sometimes they’re wrong, but they’re probably more right than you are.

Maybe you took up the bass because you figured it would be easy. So you ignored the basic musical principles of practice and dedication right from the beginning. After all, there were more important things to worry about, like chicks and beer, right?

And don’t dismiss your lack of commitment to your craft with some shitty excuse like, “It’s only a bass part, no one cares”, or, “I like to play things my own way.” That’s just code for, “I don’t care enough to learn the songs properly and I’m pretty sure most people won’t notice.”

Your lazy attitude pisses me off.

I love the bass. I’ve been faithful to it for almost 25 years. It’s my outlet. My joy. I live for it.

The bass makes me happy. The way you neglect it makes me angry. It deserves better than you.

Photo Credit: darpatator (Flickr)